Derek Pye

NineSpods Gone West! // Mate With Your Own Awesome Workshop

on Tuesday, 12 April 2016. Posted in Derek's Diary

Unbelievable Creative Juice Explosions

Derek Pye Workshoppery matrix

Announcing my new toggingly togtastic workshop programme for the 2016-2017 pro-toggers workshop season long season. NineSpods Gone West! // Mate With Your Own Awesome //  Get Your Hands Out Of Your Pants and Get Your Lens Caps Off!! It’s here and it’s UnberFuckinLeivable Creativity Unleashed.

Step by Step awesome pumped up pixel fuckery of the highest order. 

This workshop is not like inferior/useful workshops - the ones that fatally overlook passion and awesome and so rather than unleashing your Unbelievable Creative Juice Explosions cause a sometimes unblock-able reverse leashing. Once leashed you are cursed to drift through the photo universe imprisoned in the depressing Mind Kennel you normally call LIFE.

Totally Rad Revolutionary Stuff - Never before covered in Workshoppery Jiggery Pokery

  1. Off Camera Flash
  2. SEO 
  3. Dress sense and personal hygiene 
  4. Ping Pong
  5. Dogging
  6. Passion and Awesome Juice
  7. Effing, Jeffing and Fuckery
  8. Nutbullet recipes

Jurassic Dung

on Sunday, 14 June 2015. Posted in Weddings

Tyrannosaurus Tediartis

Jurassic Dung

Shooting weddings gets more demanding and complicated every year. There is always some new trend or fad to get your head around. Recently I’ve found that the unexpected return of massive meat eating dinosaurs to the UK is playing havoc with my carefully planned and executed wedding memories photo-art shoots.

Who’d have thought that after 200 million years of extinction, dinosaurs would return, only to spend their Saturday afternoons at some sorry excuse for a venue in Kent. Mentalists!

Dinosaurs are big and dangerous and have a habit of turning up at the most inopportune moments. Last week as the bride and groom exited the Church they stepped in a steaming, freshly laid, Tyrannosaurus Rex stool that had been deposited on the doorstep. Poor bride stank like Jurassic dung all day.

Just Call Me Deidre

on Friday, 06 February 2015. Posted in Derek's Diary

Best of Both

Just Call Me Deidre

After the difficult and annoying annus horribilis that was 2014 I’m back and from now on I wish to be called Deidre. Let me explain. 

Some of you may know that I was justly imprisoned for taking and driving away several tractors under the influence of drink and drugs last year. I still have no idea how people expected me to get home from THEIR weddings without a tractor - after all it was because THEIR first dances started late at THEIR godforsaken country weddings that set in motion the chain of events that led to the fatal booze, drugs and tractor combo. It could happen to anybody. 

My time in prison was well spent and I became incredibly popular by writing poignant and emotional letters home for many of the hapless inmates, saving several marriages and securing PPI payouts totaling nearly £120000 for others. Then after studying law for a few weeks in the prison library I negotiated the release of many of my new friends - some of whom were incarcerated for terrible violent crimes, hardened criminals who thought they’d never get to do crime ever again. Now all safely out of the system thanks to loopholes discovered by little ol’ me. I also completed the first draft of my upcoming autobiographical photo history and career guidebook book - Derek Pye: Tempus Lucido - just like Hitler and Jeffrey Archer before me I found my cell to be the perfect place to commit my genius to print.

Pre Engagement Engagement Shoots Now Available

on Tuesday, 08 April 2014. Posted in Derek's Diary

derek-pye-pre-engagement-engagment-shoot-suarezNot fair is it. All your recently engaged friends are currently out in the local park being photographed giving each other piggy backs or playing with butt plugs or whatever because they are getting married and you’re not. Well hurrah for them! These days if you are getting wed it is essential that you twist your photographer’s arm until it snaps so they reluctantly agree to a tedious and embarrassing ‘E-shoot’.

What about you? You’re desperate to spend money on a cool photoshoot with some idiot who has no idea what he’s doing. All this stuff seems reserved for those in happy stable relationships: Engagement shoots, wedding shoots, post- honeymoon shoots, baby shoots, first birthday party... it goes on and on. You are left out. No one cares or thinks about you and your needs. Story of your sad pathetic life I know.

But wait! Hold your horses! Here are Derek Pye Weddings and Glamour we realise there is a need for people other than the pompous, self-righteous newly engaged to spend some serious cash on top notch photography products. Which is why we are announcing the immediate availability of a totally new kind of shoot - The Pre-Engagement Engagement Shoot™.

These 'Pre E E Shoots' include all the familiar features of a typical engagement shoot, including jeffing about in the park with a bloke and 3 speedlites, but without the need to be engaged! The best thing is, it’s too late for all your smug married and engaged friends to have one. They are for you and your fellow lonely losers.