After the difficult and annoying annus horribilis that was 2014 I’m back and from now on I wish to be called Deidre. Let me explain.
Some of you may know that I was justly imprisoned for taking and driving away several tractors under the influence of drink and drugs last year. I still have no idea how people expected me to get home from THEIR weddings without a tractor - after all, it was because THEIR first dances started late at THEIR godforsaken country weddings that set in motion the chain of events that led to the fatal booze, drugs and tractor combo. It could happen to anybody.
My time in prison was well spent and I became incredibly popular by writing poignant and emotional letters home for many of the hapless inmates, saving several marriages and securing PPI payouts totalling nearly £120000 for others. Then after studying law for a few weeks in the prison library, I negotiated the release of many of my new friends - some of whom were incarcerated for terrible violent crimes, hardened criminals who thought they’d never get to do crime ever again. Now all safely out of the system thanks to loopholes discovered by little ol’ me. I also completed the first draft of my upcoming autobiographical photo history and career guidebook book - Derek Pye: Tempus Lucido - just like Hitler and Jeffrey Archer before me I found my cell to be the perfect place to commit my genius to print.