Hymn Discipline™ is one of the most overlooked aspects of wedding photography, and one where most keen hobbyists fall down flat on their tiny faces time after time after time. To avoid cock-ups and mishaps during the overlong tedious Church ceremony you must know your hymns like the back of your hand. Let's take one of my all time favourites, Jerusalem by William Blake.

So there you are at the back of the Church - you should always be at the back of the Church. The music starts up - Ah! Jerusalem! 2 minutes 55 seconds of pure joy.

We're off. Outside. Light a fag. Speed smoke. Cough, Spit. Vodka. Stick your head round the door.

"... And was the holy lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen"

Back out. Hip flask. Vodka. Roast Chicken crisps. Can of diet Red Bull. Light a fag. Smoke half of it. Back in.

"...Jerusalem builded here
Among those dark Satanic mills"

Of course one has to feel sorry for the young man who aspires to be a top wedding photographer at the top of the husband and wife wedding photography game. How can a callow youth possibly understand the fairer sex, when his experience of the ladies probably goes no further than a couple of trips to a STD clinic.  

As far as women are concerned there are not many known knowns and a a baffling array of unknown unknowns to contend with. As wedding photography involves spending the best part of Saturday dealing these unknown unknowns the photographer needs consummate bride management skills to make it through the day. I've been married 4 times and so there is not much you can tell me about bride management. As long as you start with the premise that all women are mentally ill and need medication then you won't go far wrong. You should approach a wedding on the basis that all the women at the do have forgotten their pills. Be on your toes at all times or you will get hurt. Your only defence is to repeat the words, lovely, beautiful, gorgeous and dress in a variety of combination's until you’re sick into your camera bag.

I have a list as long as my arm as to why women are nutters but here is just one example.

Professional photographers are true artists, poets in mega pixels. We see the world differently from normal human beings or hobbyists. And as such are held in high esteem by those lucky enough to be our subjects. However it's not enough to be a genius to succeed as a Pro, you need to marry your art with the ugly world of commerce to make it in this game. Here at Derek Pye Photography we've developed some great techniques for extracting every last penny from our clients. From hidden costs to expenses fraud, you name it we do it. Here's a good example of how we Pros make a few extra quid from each client. I call it the 'Inverse Make Over' technique.

You may have seen 'Make over' shots on inferior photographers' web-sites. I love looking at these pictures. The photographer takes a portrait of some old granny and then uses Photoshop to remove all the lines and blemishes until the ugly hag looks like Sharon Osbourne. They usually end up with a weird halo glow and perfectly smooth skin. I can't really see the point of having your photo taken and then receiving a picture of Mrs Osbourne, but the client is always right. The client is always vain, more like.

This kind of work can be tedious and time consuming for my assistant Muktar. At this time of year he's busy Photoshopping receipts for my tax return, so I've developed this much quicker method.