Jesus Christ. Its always nice to get some feedback from a client, but complaints although rare are sometimes difficult to deal with.

“ Dear Mr Pye – the world’s greatest living wedding photographer. It was great to finally get my wedding photos after all these years. Especially as my first husband has been dead since 1974, still its nice to see all those old faces in grainy black and white. You just don’t get prints like that any more. However I do have one query, several people have pointed out that they can see a vague image of Christ in one of the group photos taken outside the Church and since the local paper has picked up on it I’m inundated with pilgrims from all over the world. They are really getting on my nerves and messing up the front lawn.

There has been a massive global warning doing the rounds recently, concerning climax change. Here at Derek Pye Photography we have been alarmed at this need to change our working methods to cater for the green bride. Consequently I have implemented many changes over recent months to reduce my carbon footprints to a mere tiptoe.

1. I’ve rented a premium rate number and attached a sign to the back of the glamour wagon that reads: ‘ Driven badly. Call this number 0900 etc’. Money raised from driving badly is then spent to replace the used petrol.

2. My assistant, Muktar, now walks to each wedding rather than travelling in the car with me. The reduced weight in the vehicle saves a bit of fuel and allows me to travel faster, especially as he is carrying all the equipment.

3. I’ve found over the years that clients often reject up to 99%, or more, of the images taken at a wedding. These images are no longer thrown away but are carried over to the next wedding.

Introducing a new product for professional and hobbyist photographers. The Derek Pye 'Cathedral Dome Flash Diffusing Kit'


The Cathedral Dome attaches to ALL popular makes of flashgun and transmorphs the light into a exact simulacrum of the light found in St Paul's Cathedral at 4-30pm on a Saturday afternoon in August. This works anywhere - outdoors, in doors, it even works in Chelsea Registry office.

The light from the Derek Pye 'Cathedral Dome Flash Diffusing Kit' is similar to that seen during near death experiences and is nicknamed ' God's own light' by serious top professionals who are at the top of the award winning husband and wife wedding photography game.

Its a must have item for 2007. Don't be seen without a Dome. Get 'God's own light' from Derek Pye today - only £19.99 dome only or £29.99 with special stained glass inserts.

Don't confuse this product with Gary Wong's inferior Lightsphere dome. I use my Lightsphere to keep peanuts in while I'm working - that's all its good for!

Look at these examples and see if you can spot the one taken with the Derek Pye 'Cathedral Dome Flash Diffusing Kit' and the one without the Derek Pye 'Cathedral Dome Flash Diffusing Kit' - we've even labelled them to help you.

Its the only dome diffuser on the market designed by Sir Christopher Wren.
Buy it today before they all go!

0. 1816: Nancy Niépce combines the camera obscura with photosensitive paper, a ripe camembert cheese, garlic and
0. six bottles of wine.
0. 1826: Niépce falls ill and moves into catering
0. 1834: Henry Fox Talbot creates permanent (negative) images using paper soaked in Gin and fixed with a Tonic solution, and accidentally creates photography, which like football will always be English
0. 1837: Louis Daguerre creates images on silver-plated copper, coated with silver iodide and "developed" with warmed mercury; Daguerre is awarded a state pension by the French government in exchange for publication of methods and the rights by other French citizens to use the Daguerreotype process. Unfortunatley all Daguerrotypes are rubbish. Photography outlawed in France until the outbreak of the first world war and Daguerre is forced to work as a rent boy.

Dreams are just memories you haven’t had yet and here at Derek Pye Photography we specialize in extracting those dreams and turning them into concrete. Everyone hates weddings and yours will be no different, from the overlong tedious service, the grim food, to the terrible band. Your guests will be desperate to get away and you’ll be left with the massive bills and very little else. But wait! Help is at hand. With Derek Pye’s new improved Mistike™ package your wedding will live on in a kind of fantasy soft focus glow that will leave your guests gasping in warm delight. Unlike my hard hitting, uncompromising Reportedge™ style which leaves everything to chance and usually results in lots of pictures of the back of your head, Mistike™ is carefully stage managed to ensure images so satisfying you’ll only need to look at them once before locking them in a drawer (I’ve had lots of feedback to indicate this is true - it’s not just a sales pitch).

The booking starts 5 days before the wedding when our team arrives at the venue and installs all the necessary equipment. Tracks are laid, pyros and smoke machines discretely hidden (for our trademark explosions during the signing of the Register). A pit is dug for the formal group shots and a special ‘wire work’ rig is set up and tested. Imagine the look on your guest’s faces, as you appear to float above their heads as you come down the aisle. Clever stuff eh! We’ve all seen those shots on inferior photographer’s sites - the bride and groom running along and jumping in the air etc. Rubbish - we can get shots of you flying round the top of the venue like bleedin’ Harry Potter. During the service my assistant, Muktar, dressed as a Native American Chief will ride a white stallion down the aisle and proceed to read that terrible Apache wedding blessing, he’ll then scalp the assistant registrar before being shot. As you head outside for your drinks reception 18 tonnes of non-biodegradable confetti will be fired from 9 cannons. There won’t be a dry eye in the house. A full-scale replica of a pirate ship will carry you away to your honeymoon.

Don’t worry full training will be given but please take out extra wedding insurance in case you are maimed or disfigured during the shoot. Photo -retouching of burns or lost limbs is charged extra. Please indicate on the booking form how many dwarves will be required for the front of the group shots and remember - dinner must be provided! Please note: Unicorns don’t exist and we will normally add these in using clever computer software that you wouldn’t understand.

Occasionally the bride and groom ignore my advice and book a videographer anyway.

Time is all in the mind and as such doesn't really exist. At least this is what I told the Judge at a recent court appearance. The bride and groom were attempting to sue me for being late. My defence rested on the notion that being late was in fact the same as being early. If you arrive early there will be no one around and the church will be closed. If you arrive late the doors will be closed and everyone will be inside. The effect is the same, how can you tell which is which?

Derek Pye Photography is pleased to announce an exciting new product for 2006. Have you ever ordered a storybook coffee table wedding album and been disappointed? I have and so have many of my clients. Unlike conventional coffee table albums The Derek Pye Storybook Coffee Table Wedding Album Table' is an actual table.

Professional photographers are true artists, poets in mega pixels. We see the world differently from normal human beings or hobbyists. And as such are held in high esteem by those lucky enough to be our subjects. However it's not enough to be a genius to succeed as a Pro, you need to marry your art with the ugly world of commerce to make it in this game. Here at Derek Pye Photography we've developed some great techniques for extracting every last penny from our clients. From hidden costs to expenses fraud, you name it we do it. Here's a good example of how we Pro's make a few extra quid from each client. I call it the 'Inverse Make Over' technique.

I've had a terrible Christmas. I travelled to Eilat in Israel to photograph the wedding of Sharon Tendler and Cindy, a 35-year-old dolphin. I've photographed many such weddings over the years and dolphins really are a joy to photograph. Terrible speeches though and the food was grim. I hate sushi. On the way back a previously unknown terrorist group, The Almighty Bricklayers of Mujaharoun, kidnapped me. They were lovely fellas and we got on like an oil fire. I was eventually released when we ran out of booze and I promised their leader I'd return and photograph his daughters wedding. He went for the MIstike‚Ñ¢ package.