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Bride Management™ PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek Pye   
Monday, 11 May 2009 15:30

Of course one has to feel sorry for the young man who aspires to be a top wedding photographer at the top of the husband and wife wedding photography game. How can a callow youth possibly understand the fairer sex, when his experience of the ladies probably goes no further than a couple of trips to a STD clinic.  

As far as women are concerned there are not many known knowns and a a baffling array of unknown unknowns to contend with. As wedding photography involves spending the best part of Saturday dealing these unknown unknowns the photographer needs consummate bride management skills to make it through the day. I've been married 4 times and so there is not much you can tell me about bride management. As long as you start with the premise that all women are mentally ill and need medication then you won't go far wrong. You should approach a wedding on the basis that all the women at the do have forgotten their pills. Be on your toes at all times or you will get hurt. Your only defence is to repeat the words, lovely, beautiful, gorgeous and dress in a variety of combination's until you’re sick into your camera bag.

I have a list as long as my arm as to why women are nutters but here is just one example.

You go down the Off Licence to buy a bottle of Vodka, some Red Bull and, why not eh, some fancy crisps. Maybe some of those tasty spicy Thai ones...(back in a minute - Derek)

Ah, OK, so where was I. Yes there you are in the Offy, in the queue behind some old dear. She gets to the counter and puts her bottle of Pino Grigio and her bag of pictachios down. Fair play. No problem. The assistant rings up her purchases and tells her the amount due. Then, and only then, as if taken by surprise by this request for payment, the old tart starts ruffling around in her handbag and then shaking as if mortally offended by the sheer gall of the shop assistant to dare ask such a thing,  she fiddles about until at long last she locates her mysterious purse. Eventually, after what seems like an hour, she manages to open it and finally, finally pays  before shuffling off to get pissed and watch an ITV1 drama.  AAAaaaaaaaaaagh! YOU are in a shop buying goods, woman! Have your purse at the ready as you approach the counter! Didn't you realise they were going to ask you for money and your money is in your purse. Jesus.

The 'Not Getting Your Purse Out Until The Last Minute'  annoyance is obviously a Freudian thing, but I'm not going to go into the whole purse vagina, vagina purse thing here. I've got crisps to eat.

Bride Management Tip: make sure you take a dump before starting the bridal preparation shots.

 

boudoir wedding photo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

rarely late!

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Comments (20)

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I hope you are never at a wedding that I am at - you sound obnoxious
Helen , May 11, 2009
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Actually, Helen, people say I sound a bit like Dudley Moore.

All the best

Dereksmilies/grin.gif
Derek , May 12, 2009
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I find the picture offensive actually. I don't know if any bride would like to know her photographer was a mysiginist! Do you really expect anybody to book you for their most precious day.
Helen , May 12, 2009
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I would like to draw your attention to the picture of my wife above, I realise that "you done her a favour or two" which i'm still a bit pissed about, but thats a different story. But we cant remove her tail and its causing a bit of a problem. I did see a tube of super glue in your kit, did you use that?

Sinbad
Sinbad , May 13, 2009
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Derek, I have been a long time fan of yours, and my mother wants to know if you can make her look as sexy as your model in the 'boudoir' shoot above?

Of course, male photographers get a bit of a bad press when it comes to photographing scantily dressed woman, and at 70 she wants to know if this applies to you? If so, when can she book?
Suzanne , May 13, 2009
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Dear Sinbad

It is a common problem which we are working to fix.

All the best

Derek
Derek , May 13, 2009
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Dear Suzanne

Yes of course. As you can see I use only the latest image editing, airbrushing and make over techniques to achieve the desired effect.

Email me her address and I'll send Muktar over to warm her up a bit.

All the best


Derek
Derek , May 13, 2009
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Hey dude - just had look at your galery and you ain't no shooter
Jonathan - wedding photojournalist , May 15, 2009
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no shit sherlock... you guys just got troll'd
william , May 15, 2009
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Mr Pye,

I can see that you are clearly trying to inject an element of humour into your business and you website too, but in all honesty i think you are very wrong in your approach.
Your views show a complete lack of respect for your clients, and given that they are your source of income i think you would be well advised to reconsider how you refer to them.
Frankly i dont rate your ability as a photographer in the slightest, but then such is the subjectivity of art.
God only knows what a client would think if they were to come across your site and identify themselves within your rude dialogue.
Art critique , May 16, 2009
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Dear Art critique

I don't rate your ability as an art critic or maybe I just don't get it.

All the best

Derek
Derek , May 22, 2009
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derek, i think we have some competishun

http://www.fujifilmpro.com/
muktar , May 28, 2009
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That is healthy competition. When you see someone who has reached the peak like that its is inspirational for me. There are always people snapping at my heels. It just makes me push on to be better.
Derek , May 29, 2009
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Dear Mr Pye,
I constanly refer to your site in search of inspiration...
This I think could open up a whole new market in NZ.
I LOVE YOU, can you give an aspiring photgrapher any tips?
Cheers,
Kiwi.
Kiwi Wanna-Bee , June 13, 2009
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Yes - stay in NZ

All the best

Derek

Derek , June 22, 2009
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Why anyone would book you to photograph there big day is a mystery to me. I think you suck and are not even amateur in reality.
Christine , August 23, 2009
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I agree christine - this guy will not be photoghraphing my big day!
Mary in Detroit B2B , September 12, 2009
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For crying out loud, to all those with a sense of humour bypass out there, I speak particularly of our trans atlantic peeps... I can think of no one better to cover my big day..... Do you use Kodiakrome ?
Edward Stycan , September 28, 2009
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I try to avoid crying out loud because everybody laughs at you and calls you a big Nancy. Luckily it's water off a duck's back as far as I'm concerned
Nancy Reagan , September 28, 2009
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Derek, yor brill, how do I book you? And do I have to pay extra for Schindlers? What about random schindlers, we'd like lots of them. And shots by Amtrak? (Oh maybe I got his name wrong, but he's cute, I want you to bring him along). Me n Himself's been looking for somebody with real talent like wot you got for years...now we've found you, our lives compleet. Thank you Derek, youv opened my eyes to what real wedding photography can be!
Shanize , December 03, 2009

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