Hymn Discipline™ is one of the most overlooked aspects of wedding photography, and one where most keen hobbyists fall down flat on their tiny faces time after time after time. To avoid cock-ups and mishaps during the overlong tedious Church ceremony you must know your hymns like the back of your hand. Let's take one of my all time favourites, Jerusalem by William Blake.

So there you are at the back of the Church - you should always be at the back of the Church. The music starts up - Ah! Jerusalem! 2 minutes 55 seconds of pure joy.

We're off. Outside. Light a fag. Speed smoke. Cough, Spit. Vodka. Stick your head round the door.

"... And was the holy lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen"

Back out. Hip flask. Vodka. Roast Chicken crisps. Can of diet Red Bull. Light a fag. Smoke half of it. Back in.

"...Jerusalem builded here
Among those dark Satanic mills"

This is my favourite verse so I usually take a swig from my hip flask and belt it out until everyone looks round. But if you don't fancy that you can always nip out for a quick fag and more crisps at this point.

"...Bring me my spears o'clouds unfold
Bring me my chariot of fire"

Now the final verse.

"I will not cease from mental fight
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
'Til we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land
'Til we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land"

Back outside. Speed fag. Hip flask. Check football scores. If Millwall are winning/losing celebrate/commiserate with a double swig of Vodka. Sausage roll. Speed fag. Cough. Dab of gak on your gums. Coughing fit. Spit. Vomit. Take a leak behind a gravestone. Speed fa... Oh bollocks.

The hymn has finished and the congregation and the bride and groom look round in disgust as you re-enter the Church.

Why do Church doors always creak like that?  Still, as long as you've remembered to put your cock away then no harm done. If your cock is still out then you are either a Videographer, the Churchwarden or a keen hobbyist.

All the best

Derek

Willy Blake enjoys a cheeky Vodka and Red Bull

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I have often seen the vitue in encouraging vicars to allow church renditions of such extended classics as Bohemian Rhapsody .. not only can it stirr the congregation but allows for a quick chain smoke and pee break behind a tree before rushing back to capture the next glorious moment. Missing something is a nightmare as the bride and groom will probably only find themselves in this situation 2 or 3 times in their life.

Paul Davies , April 07, 2010

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Yo Man Just checked your gallery - not sure who told you you were a photographer but you need some self awareness classes. Your photography sucks.

Canonista , April 09, 2010

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Do I need to start smoking in order to take full advantage of the above tip?

FiJ , July 07, 2010

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You can't be a photographer if you don't smoke. In fact not smoking will mark you out as a keen amateur.

Derek , July 15, 2010

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I have started smoking, thank you for the heads up. Now I will be taken more seriously, despite being female.

FiJ , July 27, 2010

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Try smoking a pipe. It works for me, although it sometimes heats up the lens barrel.

Bing Crosby , August 11, 2010

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I too have taken the plunge into professionalism by becoming a heavy smoker. I also suggest a gurgling guttural cough adds to the overall impression of being an experienced smoker. I find being able to roll a fag and operate camera equipment in the middle of a service is a skill worth learning as well. Thanks for the tip Derek - we never stop learning.

Paul Davies , August 12, 2010

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