Hymn Discipline™ is one of the most overlooked aspects of wedding photography, and one where most keen hobbyists fall down flat on their tiny faces time after time after time. To avoid cock-ups and mishaps during the overlong tedious Church ceremony you must know your hymns like the back of your hand. Let's take one of my all time favourites, Jerusalem by William Blake.
So there you are at the back of the Church - you should always be at the back of the Church. The music starts up - Ah! Jerusalem! 2 minutes 55 seconds of pure joy.
We're off. Outside. Light a fag. Speed smoke. Cough, Spit. Vodka. Stick your head round the door.
"... And was the holy lamb of God On England's pleasant pastures seen"
Back out. Hip flask. Vodka. Roast Chicken crisps. Can of diet Red Bull. Light a fag. Smoke half of it. Back in.
"...Jerusalem builded here Among those dark Satanic mills"
Of course one has to feel sorry for the young man who aspires to be a top wedding photographer at the top of the husband and wife wedding photography game. How can a callow youth possibly understand the fairer sex, when his experience of the ladies probably goes no further than a couple of trips to a STD clinic.
As far as women are concerned there are not many known knowns and a a baffling array of unknown unknowns to contend with. As wedding photography involves spending the best part of Saturday dealing these unknown unknowns the photographer needs consummate bride management skills to make it through the day. I've been married 4 times and so there is not much you can tell me about bride management. As long as you start with the premise that all women are mentally ill and need medication then you won't go far wrong. You should approach a wedding on the basis that all the women at the do have forgotten their pills. Be on your toes at all times or you will get hurt. Your only defence is to repeat the words, lovely, beautiful, gorgeous and dress in a variety of combination's until you’re sick into your camera bag.
I have a list as long as my arm as to why women are nutters but here is just one example.
Wedding photography is not for the faint hearted. I first got into the business shooting war weddings in Vietnam and even spent a spell in Afghanistan shooting weddings. I gave that up as they always seemed to get accidentally bombed by the Americans. Fortunately it was only the women and children that died in these tragic accidents so I was able to make it back to Penge safely. If I get bookings in war zones now then I prefer to send my assistant Muktar. Then again if I get a booking in Essex I prefer to send Muktar.
Working in extreme conditions hardens you and you can develop lots of tricks along that way that make the difficult task of capturing precious memories easier. Modern wedding photography is rammed up to the jowls with tasty trickery. Here’s one of my all time favourites.
The modern bride is full of questions. I blame those terrible wedding magazines that think it’s clever to publish articles with the headline - ‘Questions you MUST ask your Wedding Photographer’. Be warned that I take offense if clients ask me questions. You don’t book the Greatest Living Wedding Photographer - Derek Pye™ and then expect him to speak to you. The thing about these articles is that they are written by 21 year old journalists who aren’t married and have no intention of getting married. They are too busy getting shitfaced for that.
Thanks to these publications any meeting with a potential client is more like 48 hours with the Stasi. Here are a few of the most common questions and the correct answers.
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