Derek Pye

CreditCrikey - We're closing in

on Wednesday, 25 February 2009. Posted in Derek's Diary

CreditCrikey - at last. I’ve been predicting it of course. Ever since that night in the boozer two years ago when I invented credit card snap. The rules were quite simple. Draw a card out of your wallet and place it on the table. Your opponent draws a card and places it on top. When you get two Kwik Fit Auto Charge cards or maybe two MandS Simply Food Gold cards, shout ‘snap’ and you win. The loser buys the booze. I packed it in as I always seemed to lose, probably because my hand to eye co-ordination is rated ‘spastic’ by medical professionals. It did however occur to me that if some of the idiots down my local can get a credit card then there is something amiss. And lo, it came to pass...


Anyway you may be getting stressed about losing your house but don’t worry, it probably smells of old booze by now anyway. Why don’t you become a wedding photographer! There is a real shortage of wedding photographers here in the UK, many brides have to go without on the big day. This is where you come in! Remember that ProSumo DSLR you got from Dixons for £349. It’s worth £29 now, but don’t despair, that is all you really need to get started on the road to becoming a top part-time pro-photographer. benefit cheats

Think about it. You hate your job anyway and you’ve always dreamed of being a professional photographer. People often say how nice that photo you took of your girlfriend  is, the one with her baps out. I’ve got it on my phone. Wedding photography is exempt from tax and you can still sign on, so what are you waiting for! Don’t be put off by being rubbish, it doesn’t put anybody else off.  Leave the face transplants and Reportedge™ to me for now, I’m unique,  so just concentrate on the basics, composition is a good place to start and once mastered will set you apart from the rest. Don’t waste your life hanging about on those tedious photography forums full of hobbyists posting shots of trees. I’ll let you into a secret - professional photographers never take pictures of trees. It's kind of an unwritten code of honour. No tree photos. It's how we spot each other. Like a masonic secret handshake.

Of course I’m actually not affected by the recession as I’m in great demand anyway and the the supply is limited to me. The trick is to ramp up the Mystike™ when times are hard. Where, before you might have offered one unicorn per picture, just double or even triple the unicorn count. It's all about escapism you see. Add more dwarves and sparkle dust and  you can’t go far wrong. Obviously, Reportedge™ takes a hit, as clients don’t want gritty realism at times like this, but lets face it you can’t really shoot Reportedge™ anyway. Face transplants are also down on last year but I’m expecting less orange faced bridesmaids with thinner arms this year so that should shave off a few months in post-production.

Now for the bride and groom the obvious thing to cut back on is videography. No one will ever watch it anyway. Got that? Good.

All the best

Derek

You can now follow my every move as I report from the wedding frontline on my Twitter feed. Follow Derek Pye on Twitter

 

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Comments (16)

  • Rob from Southampton

    Rob from Southampton

    06 February 2013 at 15:22 |
    Derek, I'm thinking of schindlering a tree shot. Any tips?

    Also, a professional photographer friend of mine recently returned from a SWPP meeting, and 'schinderling' is becoming a part of their every day vocabulary ... obviously from your influence ... are you aware that such an organisation is using your terminology? I hope it is trademarked.

    Regards,


    Rob

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  • Drek

    Drek

    06 February 2013 at 15:59 |
    They have been ripping me off for years. If it wasn't for the MOU award they gave me they'd be in court by now. Tossers.

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  • SWPP

    SWPP

    06 February 2013 at 15:59 |
    I work for the SWPP and there is no such award as an MOU award!

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  • A Wedding pro (honest)

    A Wedding pro (honest)

    06 February 2013 at 16:00 |
    Society of Wanabees and Pretend Professionals?

    I think Derek should start his own society for the real pro wedding togs. £99 a year for some mickey mouse 'assessment' give 'em a certificate and threaten to sue 'em if they don't pay up next years subscription because they haven't given 12 months notice as per the T&C's. I reckon it would be a right little money spinner with everyone queuing up for seminars from the guvnor.

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  • Someone who is jealous that he is can't qualify for the SWPP

    Someone who is jealous that he is can't qualify for the SWPP

    06 February 2013 at 16:00 |
    Studpid Waste of a Photographers Profit

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  • Derek

    Derek

    06 February 2013 at 16:01 |
    I agree, it is very studpid.

    reply

  • Simon Atkins

    Simon Atkins

    06 February 2013 at 16:02 |
    Hey Derek, I can see where I have been going wrong all these years. Why didn't my accountant tell me wedding photography was tax exempt? All that VAT and tax I have paid. I should have changed my name to Uncle Bob and accepted cash only.

    BTW do you want to buy my Photoshop actions? Or maybe my new DVD, Fake it until you make it? You can even come on my seminar, for £50 ( cash only) I'll teach you the secrets of wedding photography.

    Gotta go now, someone has just sent an email saying they need special photographer for wedding, they are paying double the amount by cashier cheque. All I have to do is pass on half the money to someone else before the cheque clears.

    Sir Simon of England.

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  • Joe

    Joe

    06 February 2013 at 16:02 |
    haha SWPP have you in there sights, can see you doing the seminar circuit, fortune and fame awaits you Sir Derek
    See you in JCP on Tuesday, don't be late

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  • Derek

    Derek

    06 February 2013 at 16:03 |
    Master of Unicorns

    It has only ever been awarded twice. It's the SWPP equivalent of a lifetime achievement award.

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  • Steve

    Steve

    06 February 2013 at 16:03 |
    SWPP now have a section for every type of photographer who has more money than sense. They offer courses in unloading piles of unwanted cash. So if you feel guilty of having to much dosh in these times of crunch join & unload. May make you feel better than going to church.

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  • Quicksnap

    Quicksnap

    06 February 2013 at 16:04 |
    Derek, in these economically stressed times, could you perhaps apply your financial genius to the concept of quantitative easing in relation to weddings and help us all get some more work?

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    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 16:04 |
      I am not a financial genius. I haven't got the time, what with all the IR investigations. However I do believe that we all need to slice the salami and everything will be OK. The trick is not to let the bastards grind your down.

      All the best

      Derek

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  • Tony

    Tony

    06 February 2013 at 16:05 |
    Derek,
    I’ve recently come across your website, and I must say it’s inspired me to go out and buy a camera; I thought I would try one of those throwaway things first, before I take the plunge and invest in one of those fancy automatics.
    I wanted to ask your advice after looking at your wedding photos, Cos I’m thinking with a bit of practice I too could take photos like that. My Idea is to set up a business to take photos of couples who are planning to get married in their Nintys (A bit of a niche market I’m thinking) any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
    Yours in admiration
    Tony

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    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 16:05 |
      Hi Tony

      You're in! Be at the Pawleyne Arms, Penge at 1pm tomorrow. Bring the camera, seven plastic bags, a couple of grams, your birth certificate, any immigration documents you may have and some examples of your work. A nice set of tree photos will do. Let me know your Flickr address so I can check you out. If I'm not there ask for Billy and he'll tell you where you need to be and the Brides name. You can't miss her at the church. She's the fat one with the orange face and the pitbull.

      Welcome aboard and good luck with your career.

      All the best

      Derek

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  • Darren Lean

    Darren Lean

    06 February 2013 at 16:06 |
    You ought to ask the NPS ( www.thenps.co.uk) to do something similar and charge them a royalty every time they use the term!

    They're new so would probably pay it!

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  • LakeishaMurphy

    LakeishaMurphy

    06 February 2013 at 16:07 |
    A lot of specialists tell that loans help people to live their own way, because they are able to feel free to buy needed stuff. Moreover, various banks give small business loan for young and old people.

    reply

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