Derek Pye

Dreams are just memories you haven't had yet

on Thursday, 16 November 2006. Posted in Derek's Diary

Dreams are just memories you haven’t had yet™ and here at Derek Pye Photography we specialize in extracting those dreams and turning them into concrete. Everyone hates weddings and yours will be no different, from the overlong tedious service, the grim food, to the terrible band. Your guests will be desperate to get away and you’ll be left with the massive bills and very little else. But wait! Help is at hand. With Derek Pye’s new improved Mistike™ package your wedding will live on in a kind of fantasy soft focus glow that will leave your guests gasping in warm delight. Unlike my hard hitting, uncompromising Reportedge™ style which leaves everything to chance and usually results in lots of pictures of the back of your head, Mistike™ is carefully stage managed to ensure images so satisfying you’ll only need to look at them once before locking them in a drawer (I’ve had lots of feedback to indicate this is true - it’s not just a sales pitch).

The booking starts 5 days before the wedding when our team arrives at the venue and installs all the necessary equipment. Tracks are laid, pyros and smoke machines discretely hidden (for our trademark explosions during the signing of the Register). A pit is dug for the formal group shots and a special ‘wire work’ rig is set up and tested. Imagine the look on your guest’s faces, as you appear to float above their heads as you come down the aisle. Clever stuff eh! We’ve all seen those shots on inferior photographer’s sites - the bride and groom running along and jumping in the air etc. Rubbish - we can get shots of you flying round the top of the venue like bleedin’ Harry Potter. During the service my assistant, Muktar, dressed as a Native American Chief will ride a white stallion down the aisle and proceed to read that terrible Apache wedding blessing, he’ll then scalp the assistant registrar before being shot. As you head outside for your drinks reception 18 tonnes of non-biodegradable confetti will be fired from 9 cannons. There won’t be a dry eye in the house. A full-scale replica of a pirate ship will carry you away to your honeymoon.

Don’t worry full training will be given but please take out extra wedding insurance in case you are maimed or disfigured during the shoot. Photo -retouching of burns or lost limbs is charged extra. Please indicate on the booking form how many dwarves will be required for the front of the group shots and remember - dinner must be provided! Please note: Unicorns don’t exist and we will normally add these in using clever computer software that you wouldn’t understand.

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Comments (1)

  • JB

    JB

    06 February 2013 at 16:18 |
    Like the idea Derek. Could I adapt it for my next wedding shoot. They're a bit strapped for cash as she's expecting her eight sprog and he won't pay up either as he reckons all the other dads should be paying as well seeing as he is the only one stupid enough to marry her! As all the family puff on rolies this would be ideal for the smoke. They won't do cannons but I can get hold of a twelve bore and fairly certain lead shot can look attractive if scattered well. Pirate ship was a bit tricky but her 'uncle Clive' is bringing his 1991 long wheel base shogun. A bit of cardboard and sticky back plastic could transform it nicely. Would appreciate your feedback.

    Cheers JB

    reply

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