Derek Pye

Derek Pye’s ‘ Gurn 'n’ Burn™’ service

on Wednesday, 20 June 2007. Posted in Derek's Diary

There has been a massive global warning doing the rounds recently, concerning climax change. Here at Derek Pye Photography we have been alarmed at this need to change our working methods to cater for the green bride. Consequently I have implemented many changes over recent months to reduce my carbon footprints to a mere tiptoe.

1. I’ve rented a premium rate number and attached a sign to the back of the glamour wagon that reads: ‘ Driven badly. Call this number 0900 etc’. Money raised from driving badly is then spent to replace the used petrol.

2. My assistant, Muktar, now walks to each wedding rather than travelling in the car with me. The reduced weight in the vehicle saves a bit of fuel and allows me to travel faster, especially as he is carrying all the equipment.

3. I’ve found over the years that clients often reject up to 99%, or more, of the images taken at a wedding. These images are no longer thrown away but are carried over to the next wedding.

4. All my postproduction and album manufacture has been out sourced to India, using only the finest child labour. This has dramatically reduced pollution, as the children involved walk to work, sometimes for many miles. The children are also much less likely to travel abroad on cut-price airlines, as they never seem to want a day off.

5. I’ve also today just thought up a new ‘package’. Derek Pye’s ‘ Gurn 'n’ Burn™’ service. This is a totally green low carbon, small portion wedding photography package. Muktar will walk to your wedding, take about 20 photos and burn them to disc during the signing of the register. You will be handed your memories as you walk back down the aisle.

6. I promise to make all my prints and albums 80% Lead Free by 2009. Existing customers should continue to use the special gloves provided to handle their photographs until they can afford to order replacement prints from my overseas supplier.
Of course there has to be a downside to all this green malarkey and I’ve obviously increased my prices accordingly.

Derek’s tip: Recycling the easy way. I don’t know about you but I find all that sorting out my rubbish and putting it in separate containers a real pain. The wife is always nagging and moaning at me for putting wine bottles and tin cans straight in the bin.
The work around for this is to never quite finish anything. Always leave a bit of wine in each bottle, a spoonful of beans in each tin etc. That way you can leave them in the fridge, removing the need for recycling altogether. An added bonus is that you’ll always have a bit of booze in if you run out.

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Comments (8)

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    06 February 2013 at 16:10 |
    You really are an idiot Derek

    reply

  • William

    William

    06 February 2013 at 16:11 |
    Derek,
    Do not let anybody tell you otherwise, you are a true genius. Mere mortals like myself can only aspire to reach your greatness. If I could only know a tiny portion of what you have forgotten during your most brilliant career I would GLADLY volunteer to have myself debriefed of all my photographic knowledge. I hasten to add that this afforesaid knowledge could not ever be even remotely considered "knowledge" when compared to what you have forgotten. But when I say "forgotten" it is because you have chosen to forget what is no longer important which means that you retain knowledge of unheard off magnitude.

    I remain one of your humble worldwide followers in your footsteps.
    William.

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 16:11 |
      Cheers mate

      reply

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    06 February 2013 at 16:11 |
    Global WARMING is very serious look at what is happening all around us in the
    UK today - do you think this will not affect you and your business.

    reply

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    06 February 2013 at 16:11 |
    Indeed Derek - I think you have chosen to make light of a very serious issue. I think ... I can't be sure because I am American. I am a sufferer of climax change - since my own recent marriage and your reference to it has reminded me of this. I'm on tablets but I'm not hopeful.

    reply

  • The Eternal Bride

    The Eternal Bride

    06 February 2013 at 16:12 |
    They do bamboo laptops these days. Why not cameras?

    reply

  • Shy Girl

    Shy Girl

    06 February 2013 at 16:12 |
    Can you make me look as beautiful as your others bride models? What fees do you require for a full wedding coverage?

    reply

  • Tim

    Tim

    06 February 2013 at 16:13 |
    Derek

    I hope you don't mind, but I have just recommended your excellent services to a colleague who is soon to marry. I hate them, you see, and I want to ensure that their very special day is utterly ruined. As you can imagine, and being an award-winning, living UK wedding professional specialist photographer yourself it must often occur to you that some of your really ghastly techniques can not only be used for good, but also for evil purposes such as wrecking somebody's big day.

    I think they'd like a combination of Schindlers and Reportedge. Do you still offer the Drive-By shooting service? Or did I imagine that? You see, I don't think there will be any point getting out of the van for this one since you'll probably never get paid anyway.

    Good luck on the day!

    reply

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