Best of Both
After the difficult and annoying annus horribilis that was 2014 I’m back and from now on I wish to be called Deidre. Let me explain.
Some of you may know that I was justly imprisoned for taking and driving away several tractors under the influence of drink and drugs last year. I still have no idea how people expected me to get home from THEIR weddings without a tractor - after all it was because THEIR first dances started late at THEIR godforsaken country weddings that set in motion the chain of events that led to the fatal booze, drugs and tractor combo. It could happen to anybody.
My time in prison was well spent and I became incredibly popular by writing poignant and emotional letters home for many of the hapless inmates, saving several marriages and securing PPI payouts totaling nearly £120000 for others. Then after studying law for a few weeks in the prison library I negotiated the release of many of my new friends - some of whom were incarcerated for terrible violent crimes, hardened criminals who thought they’d never get to do crime ever again. Now all safely out of the system thanks to loopholes discovered by little ol’ me. I also completed the first draft of my upcoming autobiographical photo history and career guidebook book - Derek Pye: Tempus Lucido - just like Hitler and Jeffrey Archer before me I found my cell to be the perfect place to commit my genius to print.
Inside I also experimented with various different religions and faiths, mainly to try the food but it was during these spiritual explorations that I discovered my inner Deidre. Maybe she’d been there all along, hidden by the smog of modern life and the endless booze binges. At first I was scared. Me! Derek Pye! living legend, raconteur, ladies man, inspiration, fighter, lover, swordsman, master chef, lover, dancer, Father of eight, Grandfather, lover, Uncle, heating engineer, empathetic councillor to those in need and ideal husband - actually a woman with all the negative connotations that brings! Surely not! Parking will be a nightmare! I’ll need a new outfit every time I go out!. My hair! Bollocks - this can’t be right. Slowly, after a chat with the prison Chaplain over a spliff I realised that it was in fact true and I had to embrace the possibilities. Deidre literally exploded inside me.
I’m now taking things one day at a time. Sometimes Derek is more dominant and sometimes it’s Deidre. Thanks to the drugs, the drugs from my doctor and three weeks of painful surgery my breasts are magnificent and do provide some comfort in my darkest hours. The endless shopping takes a bit of getting used to and don’t even mention my mobile bill. Nail bars are pretty cool though.
However, I can hear the baying, snarling, wailing cynics amongst you saying it’s all a marketing ploy, after all what could be better these days than a combined male/female wedding photographer. The Ultimate, Cost Effective, Two Are Better Than One, Husband and Wife Wedding Photography Team: One half to plan the travel and park the car and the other to capture all those little details like a white dress inexplicably hanging from a tree. One half to make sure all the appropriate equipment is packed, adequate batteries are charged and the other to capture all those little details like a white dress inexplicably hanging from a tree. One half to make sure the cameras are on the right settings with memory cards installed and the other to capture all those little details like a white dress inexplicably hanging from a tree. One half to drive the tractor home and the other to... I really hadn’t thought of it that way, as some kind of cynical marketing opportunity aimed at cementing my dominance as the World’s Greatest Living Wedding Photographer for at least another decade or more.
If you’re interested in booking Derek and Deidre the Ultimate Best of Both Worlds Husband and Wife All Bases Covered Wedding Photography Team that simultaneously provides those oh-so-wow detail shots and romantic oh-so-wow portraits with ruthless efficiency, safe predictability, no fuss parking and accurate battery management then give Deidre a call today - keep trying as it will probably be engaged. Just like you honey!
That’s so cool!