Derek Pye

Just Call Me Deidre

on Friday, 06 February 2015. Posted in Derek's Diary

Best of Both

Just Call Me Deidre

After the difficult and annoying annus horribilis that was 2014 I’m back and from now on I wish to be called Deidre. Let me explain. 

Some of you may know that I was justly imprisoned for taking and driving away several tractors under the influence of drink and drugs last year. I still have no idea how people expected me to get home from THEIR weddings without a tractor - after all it was because THEIR first dances started late at THEIR godforsaken country weddings that set in motion the chain of events that led to the fatal booze, drugs and tractor combo. It could happen to anybody. 

My time in prison was well spent and I became incredibly popular by writing poignant and emotional letters home for many of the hapless inmates, saving several marriages and securing PPI payouts totaling nearly £120000 for others. Then after studying law for a few weeks in the prison library I negotiated the release of many of my new friends - some of whom were incarcerated for terrible violent crimes, hardened criminals who thought they’d never get to do crime ever again. Now all safely out of the system thanks to loopholes discovered by little ol’ me. I also completed the first draft of my upcoming autobiographical photo history and career guidebook book - Derek Pye: Tempus Lucido - just like Hitler and Jeffrey Archer before me I found my cell to be the perfect place to commit my genius to print.

Inside I also experimented with various different religions and faiths, mainly to try the food but it was during these spiritual explorations that I discovered my inner Deidre. Maybe she’d been there all along, hidden by the smog of modern life and the endless booze binges. At first I was scared. Me! Derek Pye! living legend, raconteur, ladies man, inspiration, fighter, lover, swordsman, master chef, lover, dancer, Father of eight, Grandfather, lover, Uncle, heating engineer, empathetic councillor to those in need and ideal husband  - actually a woman with all the negative connotations that brings! Surely not! Parking will be a nightmare! I’ll need a new outfit every time I go out!. My hair! Bollocks - this can’t be right. Slowly, after a chat with the prison Chaplain over a spliff I realised that it was in fact true and I had to embrace the possibilities. Deidre literally exploded inside me.

I’m now taking things one day at a time. Sometimes Derek is more dominant and sometimes it’s Deidre. Thanks to the drugs, the drugs from my doctor and three weeks of painful surgery my breasts are magnificent and do provide some comfort in my darkest hours. The endless shopping takes a bit of getting used to and don’t even mention my mobile bill. Nail bars are pretty cool though. 

However, I can hear the baying, snarling, wailing cynics amongst you saying it’s all a marketing ploy, after all what could be better these days than a combined male/female wedding photographer. The Ultimate, Cost Effective, Two Are Better Than One, Husband and Wife Wedding Photography Team: One half to plan the travel and park the car and the other to capture all those little details like a white dress inexplicably hanging from a tree. One half to make sure all the appropriate equipment is packed, adequate batteries are charged and the other to capture all those little details like a white dress inexplicably hanging from a tree. One half to make sure the cameras are on the right settings with memory cards installed and the other to capture all those little details like a white dress inexplicably hanging from a tree. One half to drive the tractor home and the other to... I really hadn’t thought of it that way, as some kind of cynical marketing opportunity aimed at cementing my dominance as the World’s Greatest Living Wedding Photographer for at least another decade or more.

If you’re interested in booking Derek and Deidre the Ultimate Best of Both Worlds Husband and Wife All Bases Covered Wedding Photography Team that simultaneously provides those oh-so-wow detail shots and romantic oh-so-wow portraits with ruthless efficiency, safe predictability, no fuss parking and accurate battery management then give Deidre a call today - keep trying as it will probably be engaged. Just like you honey!

That’s so cool!

 

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Comments (8)

  • Jeffrey

    Jeffrey

    07 February 2015 at 10:53 |
    I don't believe this - I've only just managed to find a wife, get married and train her up so I can be a husband and wife wedding photography team and now you're saying I need to divorce her and marry myself just so I can stay up to date! Turns out getting a wife has been my most expensive ever equipment purchase mistake.

    reply

  • Jane

    Jane

    07 February 2015 at 11:45 |
    I am a female photographer and have been full time for nearly 3 years now and I find this post sexist and offensive and won't be visiting this site again

    reply

  • Camera Chick

    Camera Chick

    09 February 2015 at 22:24 |
    My Pye - just another middle aged old man who has failed to move with the times. Adapt or die. I can imagine you churning out your boring old wedding photos to an ever dwindling client base. Are you just scared of the new breed of female wedding photographers.

    reply

  • Colin Muck

    Colin Muck

    13 February 2015 at 12:38 |
    So if someone tells you to 'go fuck yourself'. You literally can?

    reply

  • Canon Girl

    Canon Girl

    18 February 2015 at 20:32 |
    Mysoginist Sex Pygmy

    reply

  • Gurner

    Gurner

    21 February 2015 at 15:39 |
    As a male photographer who always shoots the bride's dress hanging up somewhere creative I find the inference that all male photographers are dull but dependable highly offensive. Men do details too!

    reply

  • Richard P Walton

    Richard P Walton

    16 June 2015 at 10:41 |
    Wow! This is genius Derek, I am now on a soul searching mission to find my inner Diedre. I have been been trying to get my wife to carry my bags for years, this seems like a much easier method. The tractor story still winds me up, to think you would get the blame for covering a country wedding in the middle of no where. Didn't that couple have wedding insurance that covered you?

    Anyway I'm off to do some soul searching, thanks for another inspiring post.

    reply

  • 资产配置

    资产配置

    31 December 2016 at 12:42 |
    In the past the commercial banks would buy large groups of solid morgages and turn them into large
    investment vehicles that could be traded.

    reply

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