Photographing Gay Weddings

The shock news that it's now legal to photograph Gays in the UK has left photographers jumping for joy as we'll now be able to cash in on the pink pound at long last. I must say that when I first I heard the news about the Civil Partnership Act I felt like Charlton Heston in the action sci-fi film The Planet of the Apes, when he sees the Statue of Liberty on the beach.

My reaction was similar " The fools!" I screamed at Muktar "They are all doomed now. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!" Why any group of people who are forbidden by law to marry would campaign to be allowed to do so really is baffling. It's like foxes marching on Downing Street carrying banners asking for the hunting ban to be lifted. Or Muktar and his mates demanding the government introduce ID cards.

Photographing Gays is now something that UK wedding photographers are going to have to deal with on a regular basis. Shooting Gays is not the same as snapping normal people, and presents the photographer with a set of unique challenges.

Under no circumstances should you offer Gays a discount. Both Gays will be so vain that you'll have to spend weeks in Photoshop retouching blemishes that aren't even there, until both grooms look like the cover of Men's Health magazine. You must charge Gays more, to cover this extra work.

Another thing to keep in mind, and one of the advantages of Gay weddings, is that there will be no family members present. Your normal list of stock wedding pictures will no longer be useful. Shots like 'Bride and Groom with Mum and Dad and Granny' etc. Forget it, they won't have come to terms with it yet. You'll need a new list. Here is mine so you won't have to think about it.

1. Groom and Groom

2. Groom and Groom again

3. More shots of the Groom and Groom

4. They'll still think you haven't made enough fuss so go to the top of the list and start again.

5. Groom and Groom with the Lady Boy bridesmaids.

6. Groom and Groom with all their fag hag girlfriends.

7. Groom and Groom

8. Groom and Groom again.

9. Groom and Groom with all the guests in fancy dress. You'll need a stepladder or balcony for this shot.

10. Groom and Groom.

Make sure you check the names of the happy couple at least 1 hour before the start of the ceremony. I photographed a gay commitment ceremony once. The head Gay, Keith had made the booking for himself and his partner Gary. The day before the big event Keith called and said there had been a change of plan and it would now be himself and Larry at the service. My assistant, Muktar, refused to come with me on religious grounds and I had to give him a good kicking, so I was a bit late. Half way through the ludicrous made up service I realise that it's actually Keith and Barry making the vows, and Gary and Larry are holding hands at the front weeping their hearts out. It got even more confusing by the end of night when Keith and Gary did the first dance and they all left to go on honeymoon.

Next week - Derek Pye's Girl on Girl wedding tips.

Comments (5)

  • Clive


    06 February 2013 at 17:05 | #

    This is racially and homophobically offencive and I have reported yyou to the authoriteis.


  • Jake D

    Jake D

    06 February 2013 at 17:05 | #

    I too found your comments offensive, however being almost entirely illiterate, I'm only looking at the pictures.
    So when are we getting the girl-on-girl weddings?, please let them not be real lesbians coz half of them look like my uncle Derek (and she's a horror!)


  • JOJo


    06 February 2013 at 17:06 | #

    my bell in your brownie?


  • Oliver Schneider

    Oliver Schneider

    06 February 2013 at 17:06 | #

    To 'Clive'. I have reported you to the 'anonymous dislexics'


  • Peter


    06 February 2013 at 17:06 | #

    i'm gay and not offended, i thought it was fucking funny, as long as you were jocking, which i believe you are. People dont be so offended. Everyone makes jokes about everyone, what next you cant laugh at fat jokes, or jokes about men or women. The p.c brigade are ruining everything.


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