Not fair is it. All your recently engaged friends are currently out in the local park being photographed giving each other piggy backs or playing with butt plugs or whatever because they are getting married and you’re not. Well hurrah for them! These days if you are getting wed it is essential that you twist your photographer’s arm until it snaps so they reluctantly agree to a tedious and embarrassing ‘E-shoot’.
What about you? You’re desperate to spend money on a cool photoshoot with some idiot who has no idea what he’s doing. All this stuff seems reserved for those in happy stable relationships: Engagement shoots, wedding shoots, post-honeymoon shoots, baby shoots, first birthday party... it goes on and on. You are left out. No one cares or thinks about you and your needs. The story of your sad pathetic life I know.
But wait! Hold your horses! Here are Derek Pye Weddings and Glamour we realise there is a need for people other than the pompous, self-righteous newly engaged to spend some serious cash on top-notch photography products. Which is why we are announcing the immediate availability of a totally new kind of shoot - The Pre-Engagement Engagement Shoot™.
These 'Pre E E Shoots' include all the familiar features of a typical engagement shoot, including jeffing about in the park with a bloke and 3 speedlites, but without the need to be engaged! The best thing is, it’s too late for all your smug married and engaged friends to have one. They are for you and your fellow lonely losers.
Before I was engaged I had over 2000 partners and countless one night stands. I could have spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on Pre-Engagement Engagement Shoots™ but I hadn’t invented them back then. You can - subject to credit check.
In recent trials, one well known local girl came into the studio 19 times in one week. Another chap came in 3 times one Friday; once on his way to the pub with his girlfriend, once at closing time with her mum and then at 3 am on his own with his cock out and puke down his shirt. My studio is in Essex.
That’s right! All right! You don’t even need an annoying partner to enjoy a Pre-Engagement Engagement Shoot™ - your cock in your hand or your tits out works fine! It doesn’t really matter and it will be just as interesting and worthwhile!
Book now in case you get engaged and then can’t book, in which case you’ll need to set the date of the wedding and then book me in to photograph it and then at our pre-wedding consultation meeting you’ll have to blackmail me into throwing in a free engagement shoot so we can ‘get to know each other’ and then everything will be great and I won’t hate you.