Derek Pye

Product Launch! The New Fangled Pyelight™

on Saturday, 05 October 2013. Posted in Derek's Diary

3 in 1 Continuous Medieval Daylight Lighting Sword

Pyelight the light-sword-by-derek-pyeIntroducing the incredibly new continuous light source sword - the 3 in 1 Pyelight™ a newly fangled continuous light source sword fangled by Derek Pye. You may have seen inferior and to be frank comedic continuous light sabres fangled by less fangling able wedding photographers which are little more than toys. These Iceylight devices usually only have one function and one function only - illuminating a ropey old model in Iceylight adverts. They are permanently useless for demanding real life husband and wife wedding photographers wedding art assignments. 

The Pyelight™ is based on an actual 12th century Crusaders sword from a design dating back to the day Derek Pye saw it in the British Museum. Unlike inferior Star Wars based lighting accessory solutions our Pyelight™ has 3 easy to use modes...

 

Eye Blind Mode features searing continuous light for ultra creative wedding shoot shots. The Pyelight™ is voice activated - just shout ' By the Power of Pye - I summon the eye blinding power of my sword like continuous lighting source' at the top of your voice, and everything within a 10 mile radius will be bathed in a powerful, but attractive, searing white medieval daylight balanced hot glow enabling the user to continue shooting amazing wedding art photo memories at even the most insanely dark and tedious winter barn wedding in Norfolk.

Best of all the Pyelight™ uses NO BATTERIES and instead draws it's power from the bitter twisted darkness of your soul making it the ideal choice for wedding photographers. 

The Pyelight's™ second mode is the much cried out for Cake Cut and Bake mode. Because the Pyelight™ is also an actual fully functioning very sharp sword it can be used to effortlessly capture one of the most exciting and demanding sections of the day - the essential cutting of the cake wedding photo art moment!

The cake cutting is an ancient and symbolic ritual which marks the happy couples acceptance that now they are married the bride will spend the next decade getting really really fat, as she has finally, thanks to internet dating, snared a husband and she can let herself go. 

Just hand your Pyelight™ to the bride and groom and pose them as desired. Looking awkward near an ugly cake will usually suffice.

Your client will be thinking - “Who is this dopey prick? He's stood us by an ugly bastard cake that we didn't want anyway. It's pitch black in this dingy barn. We're next to a fire extinguisher and there is an exit sign above our fat heads. This is rubbish and a waste of time and our hard earned cash. We should have just got one of our special Uncles to shoot our wedding like everybody else!” 

Prove them wrong with your Pyelight™. Once you are ready and in position just put the Pyelight™ into Cake Cut and Bake mode - shout 'By the Power of Pye - I summon my continuous source sword based lighting source in symbolic cake cutting cake light mode'. The sword will glow a bright eye blinding white enabling you to capture up to 4 frames before the cake melts and your client’s eyes bubble up like plastic on a bonfire.

The normal exposure is about 70000 at f900 and minus 800 ISO. If your cheap camera can't handle this or if you are shooting jpegs you will need need to purchase a set of Neutral Density Scabbards™ available from participating Hong Kong based VAT avoidance dealerships.

It doesn't end there, although the wedding usually does, due to the resulting cake fire inferno, the Pyelight™ sword light also has a handy Death mode and can be used all day long for general prodding, stabbing, cutting, bridal preps, mutilations and essential decaptitaions.

This is perfect for formal group shot wedding art. One guest spoiling your composition because he's a tall freak? No problem! A quick decaptitaion and it's sorted. One fat bridesmaid's arm making your wedding art image unbalanced? Don’t panic! A swift mutilation and you're done. It's quick, easy and painful. A skilled Pyelight™ operative can perform a decaptitaion and light a group shot with 2 movements of the arm. Swing your Pyelight™ in Death mode to reduce unwanted height then immediately bring your Pyelight™ above your head whilst simultaneously shouting 'assassgggggzzzaghhhh!!!' to activate Death Mode Formal Group lighting.

At a recent wedding Derek Pye successfully decapitated 150 guests because they were looking at him funny during a group photo, the fact he'd asked the guests to look at him and smile is irrelevant - Derek was feeling a bit paranoid after 3 days with no sleep - by activating the Pyelight™ at the right moment Derek got the shot with not a single guest blinking or looking the wrong way. Try that with an Iceylight and you’ll look and feel really stupid.

Buy a Pyelight™ today and help make Derek very rich for doing not much. 

Tech Specs:

  • Good for appox 125000 centuries of continuous blinding light depending on the darkness of users soul.
  • Up to 10000 decapitations until sharpening required. If you’re not in prison by then and your Clikpic website is still online you can return the Pyelight™ to us for resharpening free of charge.
  • Guarantee! Up to 4 cakes can be cut before the blade snaps in two. No refunds.
  • Disclaimer: Pyelights™ are bloody sharp. Always hold your Pyelight™ by the handle bit. Only to be used by children under 5 in a supervised soft play centre or on council estates in police no go areas. Derek Pye takes no responsibility for anything ever. 
  • Health Warning: May harm virtually anything it touches. In tests less than 5% of users had their arm blown off when using a Pyelight™ - more Mexican drug dealers are usually,but not always, killed in one weekend than Pyelight™ users over the corresponding weekend!

You spoke and we listened! After several Muslim readers pointed out that a lighting accessory based on a 12th century Crusader sword might raise eyebrows at a Muslim bash, in the interests of increased profits, we are currently working on a new Pyelight™ based on a traditional crescent-shaped Arabic and Asiatic scimitar! 

Accessories available: Shield reflector - sliver on one side Knights Templar logo on reverse, ND Scabbards, 10000 Souls Anti-Matter Infinity power pack, Car charger, Pyelight Singlasses™,Tungsten and Fluorescent Scabbard Gels, Barrister.

Watch the epic Pyelight™ TV Commercial and sing song along!

Hoorah, Hoorah, Hoorah, Yea

Why doncha buy a Pyelight™ todayeaaa

Hoorah, Hoorah, Hoorah, Yea

Hoorah, Hoorah, Hoorah, Yea - yea

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Comments (8)

  • Anton Bukowski

    Anton Bukowski

    06 October 2013 at 09:18 |
    Derek,
    Having gone through your specs with a fine-toothed comb, I envisage a couple of issues which could cause problems:
    1. The quoted decapi…
    …naa fuck it – this is a genius bit of kit. Put me down for one right now!

    reply

  • Nireen

    Nireen

    06 October 2013 at 17:13 |
    Dear Derk - I pre ordered Pylight to use this weakend on wedding shoots and despite waiting in for several hour it has not arrived but there is a large crater in my front garden with a postman's hat in the middle. I would like a replacement and the crater filling in!

    reply

  • Colin Muck

    Colin Muck

    07 October 2013 at 10:36 |
    Bravo Derek! This is a triumph!

    I bet Gary Bong and Damien Lovehandles are kicking themselves that they didn't think of this.

    One question though. You say its powered from darkness of users soul. Would I assume that if you are a devout Christian, it may not work?

    reply

    • Derek Pye

      Derek Pye

      07 October 2013 at 23:01 |
      It should work but if it doesn't or appears underpowered then try having some fun before you use it again

      reply

  • Ryan

    Ryan

    07 October 2013 at 13:43 |
    How much for the doll?

    reply

    • Derek Pye

      Derek Pye

      07 October 2013 at 16:24 |
      Hi Ryan - not sure when the last time you were intimate with a woman was but I suspect it wasn't in the last 10 years. Women have changed. This is in fact 16 year old UberModel Claudia Schindler and she doesn't get out of bed for less than £350.

      reply

  • Jeff

    Jeff

    24 October 2013 at 21:52 |
    If you didn't exist I'd probably kill myself

    reply

  • Matt

    Matt

    21 January 2014 at 15:12 |
    Would you swap one for a steak and kidney pie from Greggs the Bakers?

    reply

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